


the moralistic tales of yang xiao long

by jonphaedrus



Category: RWBY
Genre: Gen, secret santa gift, this is so silly but here it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 05:31:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5572729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/pseuds/jonphaedrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How good of you to ask me, Ruby!” Yang punches the air with her outstretched finger. “The important lesson I learned today is this: do not grab someone’s junk in lieu of shaking their hand in a greeting!”</p><p>The silence in the room is deafening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the moralistic tales of yang xiao long

**Author's Note:**

> secret santa gift for toni! this is my first rwby fic. god, do i need to catch up.

“So,” Yang begins, one finger up in the air, as the rest of team RWBY watches with their faces ranging in a mix from _curious_ to _preemptively horrified_ , “Today.”

“Oh, no,” Says Weiss, because she is fully prepared for whatever is coming. Or, at least, she hopes she is.

“Today,” Yang continues, unabated, and Ruby’s face is already frozen in the rictus grin/sightless eyes partnership that anybody gets when their beloved older sibling is about to relate something really, truly, unimaginably stupid that they have just done, “Today, I learned a _very_ important lesson, the gist of which I am about to relate to you, in full, horrifying, complete detail.” She puts her hands on her hips, grins.

The other three girls look at each other, the unspoken question in their minds sitting, waiting. _Who wants to stick their neck out_.

The answer is: nobody. Nobody wants to stick their neck out.

So, Ruby, because this is her sister, and she has no other option, puts herself on the chopping block. “What did you learn, Yang?”

“How good of you to ask me, Ruby!” Yang punches the air with her outstretched finger. “The important lesson I learned today is this: do not grab someone’s junk in lieu of shaking their hand in a greeting!”

The silence in the room is _deafening._ Nobody says anything. Weiss closes her eyes. Ruby’s eyes get so wide they might fall out of her skull. Blake looks like she wants to just crawl under a bed and pretend nothing exists. Yang, clearly knowing what comes next, raises both her eyebrows, half-smiles.

“Don’t you _want_ to know how I found this out?”

“No,” Weiss responds, immediately. “No. No! No. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know how this happened. I genuinely cannot think of something I want to know less than this.”

Her vehement protest would mean more, if it weren’t for the fact that Yang has pinned them all in the corner of the room away from the window and the door. There is no escape without going around her, and nobody has quite come up with a plan to get away from her yet.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Blake says, her voice as dead as her eyes wishes for escape. “How did you learn this, Yang.”

“Funny you ask, Blake, my dearest! Well, it began like this—“ Yang throws her arms wide, face utterly concentrated. “Picture: here I am. Walking to class, minding my own business, when _out of nowhere_ suddenly Ozpin shows up.”

“Oh no” Ruby says, her voice a tiny squeak. Her expression looks like she’s about to suck her own head down into her shoulders and debate Death. “Ohhhh nooooooo.”

Like that would stop this already-happened trainwreck from ending in the massive fiery explosion that is inevitable. It’s going to happen. There is no escape from this happening. They may as well buckle their seatbelts close their eyes, breathe deep, and Hope.

“Well, he had a friend,” Yang continues, unabated, because she has already lived this horrifying real life trauma and she’s going to subject them to it Whether They Like It Or Not. “He had a friend, and he was like ‘Ah, Yang, how lovely to see you, meet my friend, the Police Chief’. So, I’m thinking, I should leave a good impression because we keep _breaking literally everything_ and I wave cheerily like ‘Hello, Mister Police Chief!’” She pauses, for dramatic effect.

Ruby, very quietly, whispers, “Why am I related to you.”

Yang continues, all in one breath: “Then I slipped on a banana peel, and I don’t even know how that got there, and I went down headfirst and my first thought was that the police chief had stuck his hand out to let me shake it so I grabbed but I missed because I was slipping and I was like, ‘oh jeez I had better grab something before I go facedown on the ground!’ and I reached out and I thought I was reaching for his hand but instead I faceplanted with my hand wrapped around his junk.”

Nobody moves.

Ruby’s expression makes it look like she is considering ascending to another plane of existence.

“I think he might have fainted after that. Ozpin didn’t even yell at me, he just got all _quiet_ and _glarey_ and this is why you shouldn’t grab anybody’s junk ever unless, you know, you want to, and they are also into it.”

“I am leaving this room and never coming back,” Weiss announces, and bolts for the door while she still can. Ruby doesn’t move, still too frozen in debating exactly how she wants to cease existing.

Blake, at last, just shakes her head.

“Only you would ever have this issue, Yang.”

Yang pauses.

Thinks—

And then: “Hey, what does _that_ mean?!”


End file.
